Over the past ~15 years, smartphones have acted as a world otaku-fication beam of sorts. Now the hobby/collecting impulse has been magnified in everyone, and even the most “normal” person is capable of geeking out over obscure genre fare.
It’s kinda funny — the internet boogeyman in the early 2000s was some jobless nerd loser who lived with his mom, but with the way things are now, that situation is considered so enviable it makes people seethe (not that it really takes much).
It’s like this, and yet…
Well, why is Masters of the Universe bombing right now?? It shouldn’t be! I super duper loved it, so it should be succeeding!!
I could talk about the love and quality it was crafted with, but does anyone actually care about things being good or not? Do people actually give a shit? I have no idea what makes most anyone do anything, but with much difficulty, I’ve learned facts have nothing to do with it.
And it’s not like I was motivated to hit the big screen because critics said it was good or anything. I was motivated to go because He-Man looked hot.
And he was!
He was super duper hot!!
“Big muscular guy with floppy hair, a heart of gold, and the brain of a bullied child.” What incredible characterization! My heart was moved.
And I think everyone of all ages, gender, and orientation can appreciate the spectacle of a heroically built half-naked guy jumping around all over the place.
Yes, thrilling images you could never see in reality! That’s the joy of genre fiction.
My friend Doraemon (who is also a robot) came over to my mansion one day with this drink as an offering. He was like, “Hey Dorybot, this made me think of you!” and I was like, “Oh, I know that green guy. Everyone adores him on Japanese Twitter.” I loved the drink, sweet as childhood, but I knew I couldn’t drink it again.This green guy crashed into my mansion like the Kool Aid man, all weird and angry. I said, “Hey, don’t do that in my house,” and grew very very large in order to restrain him. At first he was mad, but then he became relaxed. He was like, “Hey I had a really nice time, could I come over again next week or something?” and I was like “Uhh…..” He said, “That’s fair, but at least try this — mix up some matcha, milk, mint cookies and ice.” I loved the drink, zingy and invigorating, but I knew I couldn’t drink it again.One day I bought some donuts for me and my best friends Dana and King Hentai, who live with me in my mansion. Obviously I wanted the He-Man donut, but that stupid cat bitch snatched it up as soon as I opened the box. Why?? I was stuck with the Skeletor donut and his severed head said “If you dissolve me on your tongue you’ll have a Skeleton Trip” and I was like “Well why not” so I did.On my Skeleton Trip I went to the Skeleton Realm and I could hardly see a thing. Then Skeletor appeared, bursting with laughter and joie de vivre. I figure, he’s so ripped and happy, he must understand something. So I asked, “Hey Skeletor, why do you even need to beat He-Man if you’re supppsedly so strong and happy?” (the words came out wrong). He said, “Mix vanilla ice cream with some milk and berries and you’ll understand everything.” I loved the drink, fruity and rich, and realized I could drink it again and again. I could substitute ice cream with frozen yogurt, right? Frozen yogurt’s healthy?As I left the Skeleton Realm, Skeletor pressed a strange cube in my hand. Back in my fabulous mansion, Dana and King Hentai looked at me aghast. It turns I could have been stuck there for the rest of my life, but I got lucky. So much of fortune comes down to chance!
